Living loss
Family estrangement and grief? What is it and why is it so impactful to so many lives?
The differences between loss to death and loss to estrangement is that the person we are estranged from is still living and breathing - there is no physical death. Finding yourself in this incredibly painful situation often involves a complex mix of grief, anger, and confusion, making it difficult to cope with and come to terms with.
Estrangement from a child is like a never-ending bereavement. Coming to terms with this horrible experience with the right support network around you is crucial to your mental health and wellbeing moving forward.
Over the years of working in the family court system supporting children to be able to have a meaningful and healthy relationship with both their parents, has been my life’s work for decades. I have hundreds of hours talking to countless individuals and families and seen many rejected parents who face living a life without their children in it and trying to come to terms with the emotional and psychological devastation of having been cut off from their children. The heartache and full body pain is something quite profound when listening to the stories and witnessing the injustice unfold. From the moment of wakefulness to the time of eventual sleep, so many parents are experiencing a forced experience on them leaving them feeling powerless and unequivocally redundant. Can you imagine how it must feel knowing there a living being that is half of you growing up in a world without you in it - who you may never see grow up and hoping that after all the lost childhood years to come or past, that they may in their adulthood seek you out and find you?
Why?
In this instance I am talking about a phenomenon called Parental alienation. Parental alienation is not defined strictly in legislation, but the term generally refers to situations where a child’s resistance or hostility towards one parent is not justified by any actual abuse or neglect but is instead the result of psychological manipulation by the other parent. This manipulation can involve repeated negative comments, encouraging the child to reject the other parent, or obstructing contact. It is a complex and controversial issue that sits at the intersection of psychology, family dynamics, and law.
While parental alienation can affect either parent, research suggests that fathers are statistically more likely to be the target of alienation from their children, often when mothers are the alienating parent. It is a complex issue that can be driven by various factors, including unresolved anger, a desire for revenge or to punish the other parent especially if infidelity was involved, feelings of inadequacy or abandonment, personality disorders in the alienating parent, or simply a parent's reliance on the child for emotional support and the lack of understanding about healthy co-parenting and appreciation for the emotional and psychological needs of the child.
While some studies suggest that allegations of parental alienation are sometimes used to bolster allegations of domestic abuse, it's important to acknowledge that both mothers and fathers can be perpetrators or victims of parental alienation.
In my professional experience however, most victims of parental alienation were fathers and undoubtably the child themselves.
An alienated child is a child with a set of carefully crafted defensive structures which enable them to carry on with daily life as normal, even whilst coping with the overwhelming trauma of being forced to regulate an unpredictable caregiver parent. Alienation is a good word for what happens to children who align with an abusive parent and reject the other. Alienation means to withdraw or become isolated from the environment and other people including extended family and grandparents and in the case of children in family separation, alienation extends even to becoming alienated from one’s own sense of self as a consequence of defensive splitting. A child will make a choice to sacrifice a parent based on the narrative of the parent they live with, possibly in fear of the consequences of defying the parent they will with.
What many parents forget is that children are made up of half their father and half their mother and in rejecting one, places them in an intolerable position in terms of their sense of self but also the full knowledge and aware that their primary carer dislikes the other parent - the very half of them. I have known one case of a child who self-harmed in an attempt to remove their blood to rid themselves of the alienated parent but once had a strong and loving bond until their parents bitter and acrimonious separation.
Having spoken to adult children who have suffered at the hands of this experience, the risk is that children turn against the alienating parent in time.
Many experts agree that early intervention is critical. The longer alienation is allowed to entrench, the harder it becomes to restore a child’s relationship with the alienated parent.
Intervening early also minimises the need for more drastic steps, such as reversing residence or compelling contact, which can be emotionally disruptive and unsettling for the child. Ultimately, the longer the alienation persists, the more intractable the family dynamics can become, potentially damaging everyone involved for years to come.
If your relationship has reached a point where you are unsure about whether to stay together or to separate, we help people have honest and difficult conversations and transform the way they make that decision in a considered, understanding and constructive way.
We help couples reconnect as well as helping avoid the emotional and financial turmoil that comes with ending a relationship especially where children are involved. We help you focus on the emotional and psychological needs of the children so you avoid the very essence we have just talked about. Don’t be another statistic - help support each other to be the best co-parenting role models you can be.
Together or Apart
