How to approach your partner when things are going wrong.

The magic of conversation.

Conversation skills are so much more than knowing how to communicate. They are paths to build genuine connections through mutual respect irrespective of whether you agree with the other persons view or not.

1) Check in with yourself and how your are feeling. Ask yourself, what am I really feeling? What do I really need? What are my values, goals and beliefs and how can I be true to myself? Check in with your emotions and label them correctly. Reflect on your own behaviour and how it might be contributing to the problem. Being self-aware can help you avoid blaming your partner and helps develop a more collaborative solution-focused approach.

2) Shine clarity on the the core issue. Get to the nitty-gritty and heart of the matter - what is really bothering you and why does it matter. Don't beat around the bush or assume your partner will understand what you mean. Be clear about the issue and what needs to change. However, maintain respect and avoid being confrontational in expressing your needs.

3) Consider your approach and timing. Don't initiate a difficult conversation when you're both tired, stressed, or rushed. Choose a time and place where you can both feel comfortable and focused on each other.

4) Use “I” statements. Instead of being tempted to blame your partner, focus on how their actions or words make you feel such as, "I feel hurt when..." or "I feel frustrated when...". You are taking ownership and accountability of how you feel in that moment.

5) Listen to hear and not listen to respond! Pay attention to your partner's words, their body language, and tone of voice. Try to avoid jumping in before they have finished speaking. Show that you are truly trying to understand their perspective. Don't get defensive as this is likely to cause your partner to take a protective stance and avoid further conversation. Consider their emotions and the underlying needs that might be driving their behaviour as they, like you, have their own values and needs.

6) Be open to compromise 50/50. Finding solutions often requires compromise on both sides. Be willing to consider your partner's needs and perspectives, even if they differ from your own. Negotiate and find a solution that works for both of you.

7) Don’t expect one conversation to fix everything. You both come with differences - different up-brings and different parenting, different life experiences, morals and beliefs, different characters, perspectives and different needs. Humans are complex and coming together as a healthy functioning team takes ongoing nurturing, compromises, care and understanding. Difficult conversations can be a process. Be patient and compassionate with your partner and yourself, and understand that it may take time to resolve issues.

Be clear, be confident and don’t overthink it. The beauty of your relationship, your story, is that it’s going to continue to evolve and move forward. Your goal should be to make it feel right for right now. Later will take care of itself, it always does, whatever that might look like.